Why finding an agent is like being on The Bachelor

The Bachelor

Those of you who know me, or follow me on any form of social media, know that I am a reluctant yet faithful watcher of The Bachelor. I fought the good fight for almost a decade before caving in to the deliciously ridiculous “reality” of it all.

Those of you who know me, or follow me on any form of social media, also know that quite recently I officially got an agent. A real one. I swear.

If you don’t know me, or follow me on any form of social media, my name is Stef Wade and I’m a young adult and children’s writer, now represented by the lovely Christa Heschke at McIntosh & Otis and…I watch The Bachelor.

I’ve read countless posts about writers finding their dream agents. How they queried, how they researched, how they joined contests and sold their souls for one tiny peek at their manuscripts. For the record, I did all that too. I was not one of the few lucky people who send one query or meet someone in an elevator and bam! Agent!

It took years of writing and determination, but I will spare you those details. What I will tell you, is:

Why getting an agent is like being on The Bachelor (or Bachelorette):

I’d like to break this into two sections. Today, I will focus on section one.

Section 1: The Contestant (before an offer of representation)

My mom meme

You’re just looking for someone to love you

Before you receive an offer of representation, you’ve likely spent days, weeks, years dutifully, or not so dutifully, searching for the perfect person. Just like all those lonely Bachelors and Bachelorettes out there, you cannot BELIEVE why someone doesn’t want you; why the good ones always pick the undeserving; why you have yet to be chosen.

But you march on even if you feel pathetic, or are actually pathetic. It doesn’t matter because you freakin deserve a break. You want to ride that horse into the sunset. You want the writer’s equivalent of that appearance on Dancing with the Stars.

bachelor kelsey

You spend as much time making yourself sound good as a contestant getting ready for a date

You’ve written your query letter, an audition tape portraying only your best traits, your stories best parts and why you are the most original person to ever exist. You and…everybody else. You hope that by adding an extra layer of foundation or doing a few extra sets of squats at the gym that you will catch his eye. If you look good from the outside, the inside has to be the same, right?


The probability that you’ll be over looked far surpasses that of getting chosen

Some agents get 200-300 query letters per week! And some people have that many dates. But you’re not one of the toss aside at the first typo letters, nooooo, you are smart and witty and character driven. You will make yourself stand out. You’ll kiss that guy if your life depends on it, even if it makes you look completely ridiculous in front of millions of viewers. You will win that contest that 1000 other people shut down the internet while entering. You will kill that pitch session regardless of how sweaty your palms gets.

Likely you will not.

At least for a while.  You might be the person that hangs on, getting full manuscript requests, the one who goes on only group dates but sticks it out until the Bachelor or Bachelorette realizes there is nothing very special about you or that they just don’t connect with you.


The pressure makes you go bat shit crazy

You say the rejection doesn’t bother you. Your favorite catch phrase is “onward and upward!” a mantra attached to your bedside table. But the pressure that your very life goal and possibly livelihood depends on one person’s personal connection with your first ten pages or your elevator speech on how great of a person you are and why you deserve love is enough to make you lose your flippin mind. You might even lose your mind in the Mesa Verde like Ashley S.


Rejection emails are a less public rose ceremony

Every time you check your email, you’re standing in your sequined, low-backed evening gown, trembling in your high heels, unsure if you’ll get that rose. You will get the rose. You’re sure of it. He likes you. There’s no reason he wouldn’t.  They read your query, or your first fifty pages or the whole damn thing so there is no plausible reason why you wouldn’t experience pure bliss in the next few moments.

Instead, in front of America, you’re sent packing with mascara running down your face, looking overtly downtrodden and depressed as you roll away in your luxury limo crying with a desperate lack of self-confidence that you will regret showing later on. You didn’t find love today.

I’m sorry to tell you, you are not the next agented writer…

xo stef wade

The Bachelor Beat: The Hometowns

Bachelor Hometowns

I apologize for the lack of poetic recaps of late. I mean, I meant to blog about The Bachelor, but I’ve been confused. Is this one of those crazy crossover shows where they take characters from one show and delicately interweave the story lines?Am I watching Gotham? Are these all the crazies that have escaped from Arkham under the careful watch of Detective Gordon? If that’s the case, let me at those producers, I have so many ideas.

While I wait for the spinoff of The Bachelor: Survivor so I can see Kelsey and Ashley I. try to survive in the Badlands with no mirror or makeup counter for miles, I guess I’ll have to settle for finding out if our small town farm boy is going to actually take someone back to Arlington, Iowa to play Laura Ingalls with him.

So before Chris unsuspectingly takes a virgin to the fantasy suite, here is the next installment of –

The Bachelor Beat: The Hometowns

Just a small-town boy, born and raised in Arlington,
took a group of girls to the middle of nowhere.
Some girls gasped, some girls swooned
Some girls couldn’t wait to go home soon.
He took a group of girls to the middle of nowhere.

Oh Chris, don’t stop believin’
hold on to your false ideals
These girls lie and
are in Playboy!

Hometown visit to Chicago, where Whitney’s sister flat out said No.
She doesn’t want her sister dating a polygamist.
Kaitlyn rapped, she wasn’t rude
Becca’s family outed her as a prude
No one wants their kid dating a polygamist.

Oh Chris, don’t stop believin’
hold on to your false ideals
These girls lie and
are in Playboy!

Just a small-town girl, showed her naughty bits to the world
with a name like Jade, it was inevitable.
Some pics were tame, some were lewd
Chris saw Jade and she was completely nude.
With a name like Jade, it was inevitable.

Oh Chris, don’t stop believin’
hold on to your false ideals
These girls lie and
are in Playboy!

xo stef wade green

The Bachelor Beat: Episode 3


So far this season, I’m less impressed with Chris Soules than the 15 suitors fumbling half naked at his feet. There’s lots of drinking, lots of kissing and lots of crying. Drink, kiss, cry, repeat. But just to give you a refresher before tonight’s promising episode, here is the next installment of the Bachelor Beat.

The Bachelor Beat: Episode 3

Young Chris Soules had a farm
He left his farm to find a wife
With a fake Kardashian here and an Alanis Morissette look-alike there
Here a Costco date, there a wedding crash
Everywhere they’re smash, smashed.
Young Chris Soules had a farm

Young Chris Soules had a farm
He left his farm to find a wife
With a blurred butt here and a goat milk chugger there
Here a pool party, there a jealous mom
Everywhere they’re bomb-bombed.
Young Chris Soules had a farm

Young Chris Soules had a farm
He left his farm to find a wife
With a Jimmy Kimmel here and a side boob there
Here a head jewel, there a porn shoe
Everywhere they boo-hoo.
Young Chris Soules had a farm

xo stef wade green

The Bachelor Beat: Episode 1


It’s embarrassing. It’s against everything I believe in. But it’s just so addicting. I lasted for about ten years before one day falling down the rabbit hole into the deep dark abyss of Bachelor fandom. So it is here that I embrace my faults.

So without further ado, my poetic wrap-up of last week’s premier…

The Bachelor Beat: Episode 1

Chris Soules went on The Bachelorette to find himself a wife.
Instead he took a limo straight back to his farm life.
But America they couldn’t resist that rugged farm town boy
with his amber waves of grain, tractors, cows and soy.

So Prince Farming traveled to LA to meet his future bride.
He strengthened up his muscles and oiled up his ride.
He pulled up on his motorcycle to 30 women in heat.
Only one will win his heart, the rest will claim defeat.

There’s Alissa the flight attendant, wanting Chris on her wing
and Carly the cruise ship singer, who couldn’t really sing.
There is Jillian who flexed her biceps and Jordan who teaches dance,
Mackenzie has a kid name Kale and Kaitlyn wants in Chris’s pants.

There are two Ashley’s – S and I – who are both still in the running.
Ashley S thought a hanging pomegranate was actually an onion.
With the middle of the alphabet there wasn’t much to see.
There’s Jade, Jordan, Juelia, Megan and Kelsey.

Cowgirl Tara’s mutliple whiskey drinks left her teetering on her toes,
Much to the dismay of the others, she still got a rose.
While Becca is quite beautiful, it’s Britt who Chris did see.
She got the first impression rose, Chris got a hug (and more) for free.

Whitney sounds like she sucked down helium, Tracy’s students really care.
Amber mixes drinks in CHI-town, perhaps she should hang with Tara.
They fought for his attention, they interrupted and they sneered.
When the three hours were finally over, all of America cheered.

Chris gave the boot to eight women, true love was not meant to be
There was Bo the plus sized model and scorned Kimberly
The ginger and the bloody heart, the wrestler and the baker
And Amanda with the crazy eyes? Nope, he didn’t take her.

It’s not at all a shocker that Kara scared him away
And apparently Kimberly is coming back with so much more to say.
Chris is on his way to love, the count is down to twenty-two
What are the odds that this Prince Farming will actually say “I do?”

Are you tuning in tonight? You can respond anonymously.

xo stef wade green