Tag Archives: bachelor nation

The Bachelor Beat: The Hometowns

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Bachelor Hometowns

I apologize for the lack of poetic recaps of late. I mean, I meant to blog about The Bachelor, but I’ve been confused. Is this one of those crazy crossover shows where they take characters from one show and delicately interweave the story lines?Am I watching Gotham? Are these all the crazies that have escaped from Arkham under the careful watch of Detective Gordon? If that’s the case, let me at those producers, I have so many ideas.

While I wait for the spinoff of The Bachelor: Survivor so I can see Kelsey and Ashley I. try to survive in the Badlands with no mirror or makeup counter for miles, I guess I’ll have to settle for finding out if our small town farm boy is going to actually take someone back to Arlington, Iowa to play Laura Ingalls with him.

So before Chris unsuspectingly takes a virgin to the fantasy suite, here is the next installment of –

The Bachelor Beat: The Hometowns

Just a small-town boy, born and raised in Arlington,
took a group of girls to the middle of nowhere.
Some girls gasped, some girls swooned
Some girls couldn’t wait to go home soon.
He took a group of girls to the middle of nowhere.

Oh Chris, don’t stop believin’
hold on to your false ideals
These girls lie and
are in Playboy!

Hometown visit to Chicago, where Whitney’s sister flat out said No.
She doesn’t want her sister dating a polygamist.
Kaitlyn rapped, she wasn’t rude
Becca’s family outed her as a prude
No one wants their kid dating a polygamist.

Oh Chris, don’t stop believin’
hold on to your false ideals
These girls lie and
are in Playboy!

Just a small-town girl, showed her naughty bits to the world
with a name like Jade, it was inevitable.
Some pics were tame, some were lewd
Chris saw Jade and she was completely nude.
With a name like Jade, it was inevitable.

Oh Chris, don’t stop believin’
hold on to your false ideals
These girls lie and
are in Playboy!

xo stef wade green

The Bachelor Beat: Episode 3

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So far this season, I’m less impressed with Chris Soules than the 15 suitors fumbling half naked at his feet. There’s lots of drinking, lots of kissing and lots of crying. Drink, kiss, cry, repeat. But just to give you a refresher before tonight’s promising episode, here is the next installment of the Bachelor Beat.

The Bachelor Beat: Episode 3

Young Chris Soules had a farm
EIEIO
He left his farm to find a wife
EIEIO
With a fake Kardashian here and an Alanis Morissette look-alike there
Here a Costco date, there a wedding crash
Everywhere they’re smash, smashed.
Young Chris Soules had a farm
EIEIO

Young Chris Soules had a farm
EIEIO
He left his farm to find a wife
EIEIO
With a blurred butt here and a goat milk chugger there
Here a pool party, there a jealous mom
Everywhere they’re bomb-bombed.
Young Chris Soules had a farm
EIEIO

Young Chris Soules had a farm
EIEIO
He left his farm to find a wife
EIEIO
With a Jimmy Kimmel here and a side boob there
Here a head jewel, there a porn shoe
Everywhere they boo-hoo.
Young Chris Soules had a farm
EIEIO.

xo stef wade green

The Bachelor Beat: Episode 1

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It’s embarrassing. It’s against everything I believe in. But it’s just so addicting. I lasted for about ten years before one day falling down the rabbit hole into the deep dark abyss of Bachelor fandom. So it is here that I embrace my faults.

So without further ado, my poetic wrap-up of last week’s premier…

The Bachelor Beat: Episode 1

Chris Soules went on The Bachelorette to find himself a wife.
Instead he took a limo straight back to his farm life.
But America they couldn’t resist that rugged farm town boy
with his amber waves of grain, tractors, cows and soy.

So Prince Farming traveled to LA to meet his future bride.
He strengthened up his muscles and oiled up his ride.
He pulled up on his motorcycle to 30 women in heat.
Only one will win his heart, the rest will claim defeat.

There’s Alissa the flight attendant, wanting Chris on her wing
and Carly the cruise ship singer, who couldn’t really sing.
There is Jillian who flexed her biceps and Jordan who teaches dance,
Mackenzie has a kid name Kale and Kaitlyn wants in Chris’s pants.

There are two Ashley’s – S and I – who are both still in the running.
Ashley S thought a hanging pomegranate was actually an onion.
With the middle of the alphabet there wasn’t much to see.
There’s Jade, Jordan, Juelia, Megan and Kelsey.

Cowgirl Tara’s mutliple whiskey drinks left her teetering on her toes,
Much to the dismay of the others, she still got a rose.
While Becca is quite beautiful, it’s Britt who Chris did see.
She got the first impression rose, Chris got a hug (and more) for free.

Whitney sounds like she sucked down helium, Tracy’s students really care.
Amber mixes drinks in CHI-town, perhaps she should hang with Tara.
They fought for his attention, they interrupted and they sneered.
When the three hours were finally over, all of America cheered.

Chris gave the boot to eight women, true love was not meant to be
There was Bo the plus sized model and scorned Kimberly
The ginger and the bloody heart, the wrestler and the baker
And Amanda with the crazy eyes? Nope, he didn’t take her.

It’s not at all a shocker that Kara scared him away
And apparently Kimberly is coming back with so much more to say.
Chris is on his way to love, the count is down to twenty-two
What are the odds that this Prince Farming will actually say “I do?”

Are you tuning in tonight? You can respond anonymously.

xo stef wade green