The Bachelor Beat: Episode 3

jimmy-kimmel-the-bachelor-7

So far this season, I’m less impressed with Chris Soules than the 15┬ásuitors fumbling half naked at his feet. There’s lots of drinking, lots of kissing and lots of crying. Drink, kiss, cry, repeat. But just to give you a refresher before tonight’s promising episode, here is the next installment of the Bachelor Beat.

The Bachelor Beat: Episode 3

Young Chris Soules had a farm
EIEIO
He left his farm to find a wife
EIEIO
With a fake Kardashian here and an Alanis Morissette look-alike there
Here a Costco date, there a wedding crash
Everywhere they’re smash, smashed.
Young Chris Soules had a farm
EIEIO

Young Chris Soules had a farm
EIEIO
He left his farm to find a wife
EIEIO
With a blurred butt here and a goat milk chugger there
Here a pool party, there a jealous mom
Everywhere they’re bomb-bombed.
Young Chris Soules had a farm
EIEIO

Young Chris Soules had a farm
EIEIO
He left his farm to find a wife
EIEIO
With a Jimmy Kimmel here and a side boob there
Here a head jewel, there a porn shoe
Everywhere they boo-hoo.
Young Chris Soules had a farm
EIEIO.

xo stef wade green

The Bachelor Beat: Episode 1

xchris-soules-and-his-women-the-bachelor.jpg.pagespeed.ic.sdgP-ZwaZXdTSjLZdgqd

It’s embarrassing. It’s against everything I believe in. But it’s just so addicting. I lasted for about ten years before one day falling down the rabbit hole into the deep dark abyss of Bachelor fandom. So it is here that I embrace my faults.

So without further ado, my poetic wrap-up of last week’s premier…

The Bachelor Beat: Episode 1

Chris Soules went on The Bachelorette to find himself a wife.
Instead he took a limo straight back to his farm life.
But America they couldn’t resist that rugged farm town boy
with his amber waves of grain, tractors, cows and soy.

So Prince Farming traveled to LA to meet his future bride.
He strengthened up his muscles and oiled up his ride.
He pulled up on his motorcycle to 30 women in heat.
Only one will win his heart, the rest will claim defeat.

There’s Alissa the flight attendant, wanting Chris on her wing
and Carly the cruise ship singer, who couldn’t really sing.
There is Jillian who flexed her biceps and Jordan who teaches dance,
Mackenzie has a kid name Kale and Kaitlyn wants in Chris’s pants.

There are two Ashley’s – S and I – who are both still in the running.
Ashley S thought a hanging pomegranate was actually an onion.
With the middle of the alphabet there wasn’t much to see.
There’s Jade, Jordan, Juelia, Megan and Kelsey.

Cowgirl Tara’s mutliple whiskey drinks left her teetering on her toes,
Much to the dismay of the others, she still got a rose.
While Becca is quite beautiful, it’s Britt who Chris did see.
She got the first impression rose, Chris got a hug (and more) for free.

Whitney sounds like she sucked down helium, Tracy’s students really care.
Amber mixes drinks in CHI-town, perhaps she should hang with Tara.
They fought for his attention, they interrupted and they sneered.
When the three hours were finally over, all of America cheered.

Chris gave the boot to eight women, true love was not meant to be
There was Bo the plus sized model and scorned Kimberly
The ginger and the bloody heart, the wrestler and the baker
And Amanda with the crazy eyes? Nope, he didn’t take her.

It’s not at all a shocker that Kara scared him away
And apparently Kimberly is coming back with so much more to say.
Chris is on his way to love, the count is down to twenty-two
What are the odds that this Prince Farming will actually say “I do?”

Are you tuning in tonight? You can respond anonymously.

xo stef wade green